Eletiofe Couple's Therapy: How much would you want to know...

Couple’s Therapy: How much would you want to know about your partner’s exes? We ask 3 Nigerian men

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This week on Couple’s Therapy we asked, “When it comes to your wife or girlfriend, how much of what happened in the past matters?”

In the Netflix original “Sex/Life”, a married woman fantasizes and reminiscences about her ex. This is not an uncommon experience.

Sometimes we miss people we have been with for a long time. That got me thinking, “Is it okay for women to remain friends with their exes?” After all, they are “just” friends.

Should men care about their women’s past sexual escapades? Should they even ask? Are men comfortable with the knowledge of who their partners have been with?

I was curious about this. So, I decided to ask three Nigerian men what they thought.

When I asked if they would want to know how many people their girlfriend or wife had sex with before them.

Fisayo had this to say; “No, it is their past.”

Shina said, “I am not sure I would like to know, because of my mental health. I wouldn’t want a situation where I begin to assume unnecessary things about her. If she has too many nasty stories, I will assume she is a freak with an appetite I can’t satisfy.”

James feels like he is no saint himself and he wouldn’t want to open that can of worms, “No, I don’t want to know. Because I don’t concern myself with stuff like that. Plus putting myself in her place, I’ve had done quite a lot as well.”

I asked, “How do you feel about your partner talking about their ex or constantly referencing them?”

When it comes to speaking highly of their exes or just talking about them in general, they all said “It depends on the circumstances” and how their partners go about it.

It can be implied that no one would be enthusiastic about their current partners talking about how their exes were so good or much better at different things.

Then I asked, “Are you fine with your partners being friends with their exes?”

Fisayo said, “No, I’m not fine with my partner being friends with their ex. I like to keep the past in the past. They can be cordial though.”

This seems contradictory but in a way I get it. They could still say few words to each other but not have an active, consistent friendship.

Shina said, “If they are still in contact that’s ok, but friends, I don’t think so. Some close ties should be severed to set boundaries and keep the sanity of the relationship.”

James said, “No, it’s not necessary.”

I decided to ask them, how they felt about their own exes and if they missed them.

Depending on how the relationship ended, some of them were nostalgic, others were not.

Shina said, “I don’t miss the relationship. I only think about it once in a while, just wondering how I was a fool and didn’t quit when I should have”

James said, “Yes, I miss her. I really loved her.”

Fisayo said, “Yes I do miss her, I miss the friendship more because right now we are no longer friends”

It appears that when we are in a new relationship, we owe it to ourselves and our partners to totally move on from the past.

Relationships and marriages are made up of two people who often have to make potentially difficult decisions. Couple’s Therapy is a content series that shines a light on how couples handle decisions and choices.

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